(Much Delayed) Misadventures in Minecraft

Day 13

But first I need to dig, my pants are empty and I needed to fill them with the rigid fruit of the earth. Soon my pants were swollen with the sweet square fruit of the earth. Off to build my lighthouse I go.

Night 13

….Fuck this. Even with gravity defying blocks building a lighthouse is some tedious shit. I wont need a lighthouse if I never leave this island. Why would I want to leave this island anyway? It has everything I want, my house, my work bench, my friend the duck. Im never going to leave this island…Im..never…going to leave?

Day 14

Spent the day digging again. I dont know why. It’s just something to do. I get up, I dig, I beat farm animals to death for food and clothing, I get killed by freaky monsters, I dig. That’s what life is now. I think this is hell.

Night 14

As I delved deeper beneath the island I struck a vein of coal. Two weeks, two weeks I’d roamed the countryside and there it was (literally) beneath my nose. I fucking hate this place.

Day 15/week 3

I’ve been here two weeks now. Two weeks with no human contact. Two weeks of digging and dying and digging some more. Two fucking weeks. I’m not even looking for anything now when I dig. I just dig until the pick breaks and then I smash a three to smithereens and make another one.

I tried to masturbate today. Not sure how I thought I was going to manage it with no fingers. Turn’s out I have no genitalia. Of all the horrible things that have happened in the last two weeks learning that I have no balls is by far the worst. God I’d really like to ejaculate. Turns out I also have no arsehole. Not really sure where the pork I eat goes.

Night 15

Digging again. Found what appears to be some kind of ore, I tried to melt it down in the furnace I built. Get myself some real steel, teach thouse fucking cactus cunts who’s boss (maybe fashion myself some kind of penile replacement, balls like a brass monkey, wha?). Turns out I’d run out of coal. Just another disappointment, if I had some Im sure a rabid plant man of some variety would have appeared and exploded anyway. Cunts…Still miss my cock.

Day 16

Fuck me I miss having a willy. Im going to turn this stupid fucking world inside out and pave over this entire shitty ocean…turns out building a giant causeway is as boring as building a lighthouse.

On my way back to my house I fell into a hole, nearly ending my life in the most embarassing way yet. It would appear that my underground delving had caused some kind of mass subsidance. While I was tempted to leave it, as kind of crude pit trap, I was more concerned with falling to my death and so I called upon the moist earth of my superdimensional pants and took care of it.

Night 16

The nights are the worst. Apart from all the monsters its the boredom that really gets to me. Obviously not as much as getting killed gets to me. But still at least the occasional death spices things up a bit. If I’d a cock I know what I’d be doing. As it is I spend my nights attempting crude needlepoint to fashion bloody leather into sexy square pants. I think Im going to build myself a tower. So I can look out across this shitty world. I’d make it a literally shitty world, but hey, no arsehole.

Fuck You. A tower is totally different from a lighthouse.

Listening to: Pink Floyd - One of my turns

Vent your spleen

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