Man Vs Belly – Fatchelor Life (I get up when I want)

A little over a year ago I wrote the following, “I don’t want to shock you gentle reader, but I’m overweight. Not as overweight as I was in the past but nowhere near my “proper” weight either. Over the years I’ve tried various diets and eating plans, with the results ranging from excellent to disastrous.” It mildly saddens me to say that this statement still holds true today. Though again, a little less than when I wrote it. Back at the beginning of March I entered into a diet pact with someone. Nothing outrageous, we’d try to lose two pounds a week from the first week in March till the last week in June, specifically June 26th (the significance of that date should of course be obvious to our more devoted readers).


Of course we failed to account for the amount of pitfalls there are in March (six birthdays, Easter, St Patrick’s day, father’s day, etc.) So come April neither of us were where we wanted, and were supposed, to be. As Dave’s wedding is in a month (more or less) it seemed like a good time to get serious and “catch up” on the pact. So I made out my healthy meal plan for the week in accordance with what our lord and saviour, the Weight Watchers online calculator, said was acceptable to eat. I nipped into Tesco’s last night to grab what I was missing. Forgetting of course that the shelves are always a wasteland on a Sunday. I still got more or less everything apart from brussels sprouts and “slimster” bagels.

I went to bed earlylish (for me, so around 4 in the morning) as I find the single biggest impediment to sticking to a meal plan is getting up in the afternoon. I woke up at one. I was displeased. I’d been planning to kick it into high gear from the start by having porridge for breakfast and then preparing salads and various other foods for the next few days. As it was I had two ham sandwiches (dry bread as always) and a tin of pears for breakfast as I watched some random boardgame reviews on YouTube.

I managed to recover and dragged myself into the kitchen shortly after three. I exited the kitchen three or four hours later, questioning if being overweight really was that bad. My plan for today was as follows:

Breakfast: Porridge
Lunch: Homemade burgers and layered salad
Dinner: Roasted brocoli and grilled gammon steaks

Tasks: Make layered salad, batch of homemade burgers, gallon of “detox” water, points free biscuits, slow cooker apple and cinnamon porridge, jelly.

What I ended up with was:

Breakfast: Sleeping
Lunch: Ham sandwiches and tinned pears
Dinner: Roasted brocoli and Homemade burgers

Tasks: Made batch of homemade burgers, gallon of “detox” water, points free biscuits,slow cooker apple and cinnamon porridge, jelly.

So other than throwing of the timing of my meals I actually got most of what I wanted to get done done. I was going to type up my recipes. But a) I’m feeling too lazy to do it and b) no-one deserves the secret recipe for my awesome homemade burgers. So here’s some photos instead.



Homemade burgers – the ingredients


Secret ingredient


Secret weapon (not even joking, a burger press is key to getting really good home-made burgers. It makes then easier to fry or grill, it ensures even cooking throughout, it makes a horrible moist sound as you press the meat down, why wouldn’t you want it?)


The results (these are super filling, using less than 5% fat mince ensures there’s very little mess when you fry/grill them and makes them pretty dense)


Banana and oatmeal biscuit ingredients, my phone died hence the lack of a “complete” picture. They actually turned out nice looking but a little bland. Going to try punching it up with a little bit of chocolate or cinnamon. Clearly I should have remembered the lessons I learned.


The ingredients for me detox water, I can already feel myself becoming a woman who just wants to have it all.


I’m not sure if my mandolin was shite or I was just overly cautious while using it. Whatever it was the citrus fruits got a little knackered. Cucumber and ginger came out fine though.


I carefully layered the chopped ingredients and topped them off with my swish new spherical ice cubes


Then I topped it up with some chilled water from the fridge and some even colder water from the tap. When it was 3/4 of the way full I remembered that I’d forgotten to add the mint leaves and so they hastily got stuffed in. I do like the look of my Kilner decanter. Just need to leave it to steep for an hour or so before trying it and realising I hate it.


Cinnamon apple porridge ingredients


Said ingredients in my sweet new crock pot, seven hours till yum


This is how ballers make their jelly. In individual 1/4 pint mason jars. I actually find these really handy, two packets (or four satchets) of sugar free jelly does up eight of them. Each one is a solid portion and they keep in the fridge much better than a big bowl you’re constantly scraping portions out off. They also look (and make my feel) fancier.


And at the end of it all, dinner (roasted cajun broccoli and homemade burgers in linseed topped slimster buns)


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