I am writing this jounral in a vain attempt to keep myself sane. I awoke from a restless sleep to find myself lying beneath the blazing sun on a sandy beach, staring at some islands in the distance.
My head throbbed with a strange pain and my body felt swollen and mishappened. Raising my hands to my head I cried out in terror as they came into view. Where once there had been hands (that had pleasured me endlessley) there were now only crude flesh cubes. I surveyed the rest of my body and my horror grew. I looked like the bastard spawn of a bobble head and lego soldier.
I also realised that my surroundings shared my strange angular malady. Where was I, what had happened to me and how the fuck was I going to get home?
After pulling myself together I set of to explore, stumbling on my strange my legs I fell towards what I assumed was a tree. Putting my hands out to save myself I cried out in amazement as the meaty clubs that dangled at the end of my arms smashed through the trees trunk. Reducing it to splinte…a strange wooden cube? Too numb to the strangeness to care anymore I tried to lift the cube between my arms, clenching it between them like a woman clenching the head of her overly eager lover between her meaty thighs. However as soon as I touched the cube a pocket in my trousers opened up, pulling it inside. Though the lack of any appreciable change in my pants dimensions does cast some doubt on whether it occured or not.
However upon touching my pants the pocket once more opened and the cube shot forth…so it would appear I now have ultradimensional underpants. Ah well. Better than extradimensional underwear that feeds on wood. I continued my exploration of this strange new world I found myself an unwilling visitor in.
Glancing around I saw some white shapes moving off in the distance. Eager to explore any sign of life I took to the water. My new form proved strangely buoyant and I began to swim towards the island I’d seen earlier. Half way there I encountered…a sheep….walking..on the ocean.
Dazed at this bizarre occurence I found myself unable to halt my forward momentum. As we crashed into one another one of my whirling arms connected with the aquatic ovine. Whereupon it exploded into a blizzard of red and white blocks. The wooly meat splashed into the water around me like bloody confetti. Why had my hands become unstoppale engines of destruction? Why was that sheep walking on the ocean? Had I killed sheep jesus?
Able to do little else I swam on. As I swam on I began to suspect that this was all just a dream, perhaps brought on by the mold covered toast I’d consumed for my supper. I started to laugh, how could I have even considered it real? Growing weary, I let myself drift beneath the waves, after all its just a dream so Ill wake up soon. Half way through drowning I began to suspect that this may not in fact be a dream. Unforunately I came to my decision a little too late. Darkness descended.
I awoke who knows how long afterwards on the same beach that I’d begun my journey from. I felt none the worse for my apparent death, nor apparently did my clothes which showed no signs of my recent immersion. Feeling powerless I fell to my knees in a rage, pounding on the earth in blind fury. At this point I really should have recalled how terrifying my hands were. When I came to my senses I’d bored my way half way through the islands hill.
And more curious still I had discovered an entrance to what appeared to be some form of underground maze.
I was eager to explore but needed some kind of lightsource. Recalling my earlier leafy conquests I summoned some wood from my mighty superdimensional pants. As I fumbled with the various cubes of wood I’d discovered, trying to create flame more through raw fury and swearing than any kind of scientific method, a strange thing happened. When arranged in certain configurations the cubes flowed together or broke apart. Like some kind of creepy alchemic rubik’s cube. With some fiddling I managed to fuse some of the wooden cubes together to form a crude bench upon which to continue my experiments.
As I fumbled around on the beach night began to fall, what lay in wait in the darkness of this strange new world?
Darkness fell. Without light or shelter I felt vulnerable and alone. I could do little about the former, but perhaps I could do something about the latter. Though if I was going to build a shelter I would need ample flat land upon which to do so. Normally without tools this would have been nearly impossible, but my mighty meat hammers were more than capable of clearing enough land upon which to build my new home. Toiling long into the night (as I apparently required no rest nor nourishment) I resculpted the island into a flat featureless plain upon which to found my kingdom.
My task was almost complete, and dawn starting to break, when I heard a strange hissing sound. Followed moments later by a gigantic spider crashing into my face again and again, until the world went red, then black. And I found myself on the beach once more.
To my horror I was awoken by the foul hissing of the thing that killed me. Scant metres from where I lay the giant arachnid prowled, hissing in monsterous fury.
But now that I was not caught unawares my might fists/cubes proved more than a match for it. I quickly slew it and from its corpse rose a strange thread. Which I added to my growing pants inventory.
If such horrors roamed the land then I must hasten to build a shelter before night fell once more. But dirt and would would not save me from these beasts. I needed stout stone to bar them access to my delicious cubed meats. Using my mighty cube shaping arts I formed a crude pickaxe and ventured into the underground entrance I discovered yesterday.
I dug and dug (digging the tunnell, shifting the eeeaaarrthhh – Oh Phil Collins, only you can keep me sane) until my pick shattered. But by then my superdimensional pants were heavy with stone. Unfortunately though, night was falling.
Terrified of what lay in the darkness I laboured on into the night, clearing earth and mud, flattening this isle upon which I intended to build my shelter. My only companion was a lone giant duck, who’s baleful quacking echoed in time to my pounding fists. But as night deepened the duck fell silent. Seeking to discover his fate I roamed the outskirts of my island. But all I found was a giant egg. Had the duck given birth and left? Had the duck Benjamin Buttoned himself?
Without his quacking clearing the dirt felt pointless. I wandered around, dropping sand from my superdimensional pants as the notion took me.
As dawn spread it’s strange square light across this cuboid world I heard the quacking of my friend the duck. He had returned!
But alas I had no time to tarry with him. I must return to the mines. I dug and dug in the hard stone of the earth until my flimsy wooden pick shattered again. I would need more wood. Spying a forest on a distant isle I took once more to the ocean (admitedly somewhat leery of once more succumbing to its madness inducing embrace).
The journey took longer than anticipated, and I swear at one point I saw a skeleton dancing on the ocean waves. But thought it best to give him a wide berth. As such my landfall on the big island was slightly further to the right than planned. I came ashore admid what appeared to be a small copse of bamboo plants.
After making sure my pants were full of wood (and punching a cow to death) I was about to return to my homebase when in the distance I spied what appeared to be a might fortress floating in the sky. At this point such gravity violating occurences had become old hat, after all the branches of all the trees I had destroyed seemed to float quite happily in the air of this hideous land. However if it was indeed a fortress then perhaps someone (or something) intelligent had built it and they could perhaps tell me what the fuck was going on.
As I drew closer my excitement dropped and hope died. It was just a huge chunk of land floating high in the sky. A marvel in any other world perhaps, in this world it was just another unanswerable question. On the plus side I had discovered some pretty red flowers on my way to it…which I destroyed.
However as I traversed my way back down the cliff face I stumbled across some exposed rock speckled with a strange black substance I hadnt seen before. As my fists reduced the rockface to its component elements I realised that the black specks were coal. At last, something more easily combustible than dirt and rock!
Unfortunately as I laboured to build pickaxe’s (and a crude stone sword) night caught we unawares.
Foolishly I had let last nights uneventfullness lure me into a false sense of security. A false sense of security which was shattered by a jagged bone arrow lodging itself in my back. Whirling around I was just in time to see the skeletal archer who had fired it a split second before I saw his second arrow enter through my eye socket.
I awoke on the beach. All my hard earned supplies lost. Not even the duck was here. I fell to the ground and into despair.
Listening to: Sea Wolf - Leaves in the River